2009

My heart beats as though it’s struggling to pump blood through my veins. Every beat is equally softer and harder as the last. My leg shakes, and my mind drifts back to the same thoughts over and over. Yet these thoughts are not coherent, and I am not compliant. I am lost in a place that I know. I am lost in a place unfamiliar.

The night’s black veil thickens over the city I once loved and… I am satisfied. My heart may race, but the night’s cool sky leaves me ambivalent. “What am I searching for?” My mind repeatedly ask me. “Everything.” I know what I want. Who I want. Where I want to go. …I know nothing. I am nervous. I am hopeful.

Silence beckons my fear. Existence is nearly not enough as I am in a constant state of longing. “Runaway,” I think. If I did, would I be satisfied? My body may run, but I am here. Wherever I am, I am here; grounded in my own disposition. “Then run to what you want. Is it really as hard as you tell yourself?” Shouldn’t be. Though, my nerves seem to tense my muscles as I begin to make an effort to progress.

One step.
Two steps.
Three steps.
Turn around.

It’s easier. It’s easier to fight your feelings, then to fight for them. “Pussy,” I mutter. “Yeah, you’re right…” My mind can be judgmenta…wait — no. It’s my heart. The weak beats that pump my blood are not actually weak, they are being stifled. It’s my heart trying to speak to me. And my mind fighting back; pushing back the blood to shut it up. My mind just seems to be stronger. After all, I’ve been listening to my mind my whole life. So why should I stop now?

Open up. Listen. Okay… “What are you saying, heart?” Silence. “Tell me.” More silence. “TELL ME!” Silence holds the truth. Don’t tell me. I already know, I don’t want to hear it out loud.

There’s pain now. A lump in my throat. An unsatisfying broken voice tries to speak. “Can I…” It sounds like a prepubescent squirrel. I close my mouth. I choose not to say what I want. Instead saying what my mind is only allowing me to say. Stupid anecdotes about the best coffee in town is all I can seem to articulate into sentences. Perfect.

I take a deep breath. Two deep breaths. Another. These deep breaths are affirming. One more to be safe. I look up to say and do what I’ve wanted to all these years.

Contact.

I look down. “Let’s rethink this. We can approach it a different way.” My mind is relentless. “Why do you want me to give up!?” At the top of my lungs I shout. (No reaction.) I didn’t shout. I didn’t say anything. I’m still looking away and talking about coffee. What the hell…?!

I’m overthinking, and it’s causing me so much ache. One more affirmation. My benevolent heart is too hard to ignore at this point. Obviously speaking isn’t the correct approach. My shaking legs stands still. I’ve lost control. My heart has commandeered my actions.

“What are you doing?!”

My body leans. My head tilts out of confusion. I close my eyes as to not watch the disaster about to unfold. Suddenly. Warmth. A supple feeling of exaltedness reigns over my entire body. I am king. She is god.

“I love you.”

Wait…. did I say that out loud? Shit.

I look dead in her eyes, desperately trying to vacuum those words back into my unforgiving mouth. I haven’t blinked. It’s felt like hours. This is the longest anyone has ever been silent.

She looks into my eyes. She looks into my soul. I can see her hand reaching behind her as she tries to find the handle to her solid oak door. “Good night.” she says, as she opens the gate that exits this living hell.

It shuts.

My heart beats as though it’s struggling to pump blood through my veins. Every beat is equally softer and harder as the last. My leg shakes, and my mind drifts back to the same thoughts over and over. Yet these thoughts are not coherent, and I am not compliant. I am lost in a place that I know. I am lost in a place unfamiliar.

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