Blue.

Lately I’ve been learning a lot.  About myself.  About others.  About music, love, and life.

Recently I picked up my old guitar.  I dusted it off, tuned it, and just started strumming absolute nonsense.  Joe, my roommate, and very good friend, then proceeded to grab his guitar and play with me.  He taught me a few things.  Kyle, my other roommate and friend, did the same.  I’ve been practicing.  All the time.  And it has become a great stress relief.

I’ve been having a hard time lately.  School has been overwhelming.  Work is stressful and time consuming.  The girl I adore seems to no longer requite the same feelings.  And for the life of me…. I can’t find a sander.

Overall, school seems to not interfere with a lot of my other activities.  However, with my new mind set this year of having to set priorities and appropriately completing them is proving to be a difficult task considering many other issues.  I’ve been doing a fairly decent job so far, but sometimes I just can’t help but reach out for guidance, and gasp for air.  But once I take in that deep breath, I look at the clock and realize I need to go to work.  Work is something else entirely.  I just cannot deal with it anymore.  The insolence, the demeaning treatment of others, and subtle threats of termination towards my coworkers.  I found myself willingly sacrificing my job in order to let them keep theirs.  I have never been so stressed to go to work.  Every night I just want to quit, and every night I look for a good reason to do so.  I’m done.

“Maybe there’s something you’re afraid to say, or someone you’re afraid to love, or somewhere you’re afraid to go.  It’s gonna hurt.  It’s gonna hurt because it matters.”  (John Green)  Maybe it’s my fault.  Maybe I’m not being assertive enough, maybe I’m not expressing how much I care.  I’m being too aloof, and I’m trying to play it off cool.  Obviously, whatever I’m doing isn’t proving to be working for my benefit.  I do care.  I’m not trying to be mysterious.  And I’m certainly not cool.  I just want to talk to you — not through a text, or a short phone call.  In person.  I want to tell you in person that I care.   That I still care.  And if that doesn’t work, well at least I went down doing what I could.  But I never get to see you, and I fear I will never get the chance.

So I occupy the time my mind spends alone by distracting myself.  Be it trying to find a sander to make furniture for my apartment, or picking up my guitar and playing the blues.

Lately….  I’ve just been blue.

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