The Thought Cloud of a Table.

I find it discomforting that the only thing keeping me sane is the insane self proclamation that I am a table.

I can’t help but feel different this year.  I look up to my wall of memories, and I see the places I’ve been, things I’ve done, and the people in my life.  I recently added new pictures to this wall.  Pictures of my college memories.  Not many of them, but enough.

I don’t know exactly what I’m looking for in these pictures.  Not sure if I’m searching for an answer for an unasked question.  Because I don’t know where I want to be right now.  If I could control time, life would be easier.  But I can’t.  So I need to move forward with it, and let it do what it has planned.  I’m just not sure how.

As most problems in this life are, this is a girl problem.  But unlike the movies… when boy meets girl, and boy loses girl.  This boy did not get girl back.  Sigh.  But, I’m doing better and everyday it hurts less and less.  But I can’t help but want all of the things still.  I know I’m young, but I want a serious real relationship.  I’ve been single way too long, and when I’m not – I’m in the worst predicaments.

It’s frustrating at times.  Because I know what I want.  I just don’t know where to start looking.  I’m filled with so many questions, and so many paths unmarked.  Throughout my history of watching television and movies, I’ve learned that love isn’t something you search for.  Love is something that just comes along when it wants to.  So, yes.  I do know that.  I just hope it’ll come here soon.

I always seem to stray to that kind of stuff.  I apologize.  Let me get back on track… Looking at my pictures I’ve realized many people come and go in your life.  We meet hundreds of thousands of people.  I’ve decided that I want to take a picture of every person in my life.  Not necessarily someone I walk by, but people with whom I’ve held conversations, adventures, or memories.

One of my biggest fears is forgetting.  So these pictures will be with me forever.  And I hope on the back of these pictures I will write a name, date, and how they were apart of my life.   So that’s a goal I hope to accomplish.  I wish I could have started much sooner.  Because my life has been already filled with many people.  People whose faces are now unfortunately fading away from my memory.  But regardless, they have affected my life.  No matter how small or big that impact was.

But for now…. I am a Table.

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