Past. Present. Future.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the past.  A lot about the present.  And a lot about the future.  I’ve been thinking a lot.

Past  Succumbed to the moments I hold dearest in my heart, I strive to find the excellence I felt during those times.  The feeling of what I now realize to be happiness, completion, fulfillment, and joy.  Yet, I remember those days not feeling like that at all.  I always want.  Always have.  It’s a trait of man…. never having enough.  In my most current state… Never having enough time.  But I’ve been thinking about the past, because I want to learn from it.  I want to remember the days that weren’t sweet.  The days my eyes began to water.  The days I wanted to hurt people.  The days my heart ceased to exist.   Nostalgia kills me.  I want those sweeter days I see in the pictures I have taken.  I want those smiles and memories back.  And knowing I can’t makes it even tougher.  Because knowing what I now know… makes me regretful.  But the memories are always sweeter.

Present  I’m not too sure how I feel right now.  I can’t tell how content I am in life right now.  And I don’t think that’s a good thing… There are thousands of things on my mind.  I want to go back to school.  I want to draw.  I want to spray paint.  I want to talk to you… and you… and you.   I want to get a tattoo.  I want to write a story.  Play baseball.  Play Scrabble.  Go shopping.  Fly a kite.  Dance.  Sing.  Rap.  Kiss you.  Hold you.  Love you.  My mind is an endless chasm of wants and needs.  My mind is what keeps me up at night.   Fictional thoughts of whats going on in the lives of others.  Jealousy of my friends and peers.  Fear of the future and the realization that life is in fact harder than once believed.  My mind is my enemy….  I’m scared of what will happen tomorrow.  I wonder how and if the day will forever impact my existence.  This is how I think.  That everything, no matter how small, is significant.  I’m afraid that a missed hello, or a forgotten goodbye, could alter my life.  Generally, I fear everything.  I try to embrace everything with a smile.  But the smile masks my emotions.  Because I want to say so much to everyone and certain ones.  But I’m afraid.  I wish I could just move on…. to the future.

Future  Thinking about this I’ve grown nostalgic.  It made me miss childhood.  Made me miss nap time in Ms. Stuart’s class.  And in kindergarten at recess when I crushed on a third grader and would watch from afar, too afraid to even say hello.  But the future is mine for the taking.  I don’t exactly know what I’m molding it into, but I know it’s being created.  Hopefully I get everything I ever wanted and more.  Or at the very least…. hopefully I’ll be happy.  I’ve recently come to the firm decision that I want to live in Seattle.   That’s where I plan on moving.  Hopefully I can land a job.  And hopefully I’ll figure out what kind of job that’s going to be….  The future frightens me….  It’s the feeling of the unknown.  It’s like being told you have a fifty percent chance of being punched in the face when your eyes are closed.  It’s like Schrödinger’s cat.  Too bad I’m allergic to cats….

I don’t know how the future will come.  I don’t know how the present will effect it.  And I don’t know how the past will ever match up.   “All I know…. is that I can’t find my cat.”

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