Simple X.

I was going to comment on a picture of me sitting with a group of friends smiling from last summer.   The comment was going to say, “Simpler times.”  But…. were they?  The past always seems simple.  It always seems to be a place where the world was once perfect.  And a smiling picture always seems to mask the emotions you really had in your mind the moment that picture was taken.  Thinking about it… around that time the picture was taken, I was going through a lot.  College crap was kicking my ass.  I got into a car accident and lost the car.  I was beginning to fall for someone with the realization that I was leaving soon.   Among other things that kept me awake and restless those long nights.

Simpler times my ass.

I was happy.  I think I was.  Looking back at it, I feel like I was… maybe not completely aware at the time.  But I know I’d give anything right now just to be back at that moment, even with all those things on my mind.  Because back then… I took for granted the things I had.  I never fought hard enough, I was never aggressive or assertive.  I let things be, because I was afraid if I did anything…. I’d end up losing everything.

All of us wish we could send a message to our past selves providing information that could ultimately change our lives and will.  If I could send a message to the time of that picture…. it would be to leave that group, and go spend time with the one you’re thinking about in the picture.  It would be tell her how you feel, what you want, and how happy she makes you.

But…. that’s the past.  And there isn’t much I can do.  I can sully all I want, but nothing will ever change it.   They say that you learn from your mistakes.  I have learned.  And I’ve learned to never give up, never let go, and never settle for anything less than you deserve.

Simpler times…..  one day I’ll look back to this moment and would want to relay a message to this current Toby and tell him he’s an idiot.  And tell him he is happy.   Tell him the answer isn’t as hard as he thinks.

Although…. One day…. in the future… I’ll feel exactly like I do now.

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